was already made. My life has not been the same since. I'm lucky though, because both of my parents are still loving and supportive of me. In the beginning, I viewed it as my fault. What did I do wrong? Why did this have to happen to my family, and how can I change it back? Now that I'm older, I just knew that they both wanted something different, and that would have to be okay. I suppose now it is, even though it still hurts me as their kid. I never realized how much it does affect me until recently. Hence why I'm venting about it all now. Then tonight I pondered whether my reckless behavior and outbursts as a teenager were due to trying to keep attention from my parents. Maybe it was, or maybe I was just seeking an outside source to listen to me about it. I found that source in one person for a while, until I realized he wasn't the right one. I tried again with a number of other guys, but it always one excuse or the other. Then just over a year ago, something changed. Someone different and special came into my life, and that's actually changed me for the better finally. In the last few years, I figured out things I should have known a while ago. I was looking for love and friendship with the wrong people, when the right ones were right under my nose. I was preoccupied with just wanting to have fun, or wanting to mask my real feelings by doing anything but letting them out. Not only did my immaturity hurt me, but in having my priorities messed up until that three years ago, I hurt some people and I'm sorry for that. I'm glad I'm not the person I was. I'm an honest, loyal, mature person now. Not the naive, say-or-do anything to try to get the crowd to like me person I was faking to be. I lost a lot of things that meant the entire world to me. My brother, my grandparents, and the list goes on. Sometimes just getting through the day seems like a struggle. What makes it worth it is knowing that I've already made it through hell. It just took getting my heart stomped on multiple times to realize I didn't have to take it, and I could be the decider of my own fate. And now I am. Yet with adult decisions comes adult responsibility, and that's not easy either. I'm sure of this: I'm not alone. If someone would have told my future and listed all the things that would happen, I'd tell them they were crazy. I'm not exactly proud of some of the things I did in the past. However, I'm trying to keep letting myself grow as a person in a healthy way. I just wanna be more selfless than selfish. That's easier said that done, though. Plus, I'm way too nice and people take that for granted. Life is like a series of twists and turns and curve balls, and I'm just trying to stick to the path. In all that time I was looking for other people to provide my happiness, when it was within myself. I still have issues and bad days. At times, I still feel like a wreck. I cry, I break down I can't lie. When you feel what I've felt and dealt with the things I've dealt with, you'd say the same. None of this is really my parent's fault. My actions are my own. That was just the start of...a crossroads for me, and their were valleys in between. Now I'm finally able to look book and reflect, and it's hard. I guess sometimes we all want what we can never have. All I can do is keep focusing on the good things. I gotta say though, I knew the divorce was coming but it didn't make it easier. And it still stings now, I've just gotten used to it. There are certain realities that you can't deny, and them staying apart is one of them. We're still a family. I'm still me. It's confusing, because nothing has been the same. Yet it's lovely because my parents love for me hasn't changed. I guess in a way, it all brought me to where I am today, which is with someone I love that makes me happy. I'm not perfect, I'm a little insecure. Isn't everyone, though? Some of it was all my fault, other parts were out of my control. But I can't dwell on it, I can only accept what is, and be happy in the present time. Which for the first time in a long time, I can say I am. No thanks to certain people who stabbed me in the back. But karma has repaid them, and so I hold no grudge. I only want truth and peace, which through writing all of this down FINALLY AFTER YEARS, and opening myself up I have achieved.
