so damn beautiful.

Oh man, I'm so glad he's back. Life has been a ton better! He has no idea how much i love him. how much i want him. how much i think about him. how i want to be with forever, get married, have kids. I used to think I'd never find a love like this. But he makes me feel whole, safe, protected, and sublimely happy. No one, not even any of my ex's, have done that like he can. He's the best thing to ever come into my life. I'm the luckiest girl ever just to have him around. I'm so in love. Nothing else matters really, except keeping him in my life. He's really my everything, and he has no idea. I can't believe we've been dating over a year and two months. It's been the best year of my life :)

my best friend aka Katherine Waudby

rambling.

i hope he knows how much I’m missing him.


he’s so far away, but at least he’ll be back tomorrow :)


after dating someone for a year, i guess you get more attached than you think you would. damn, that’s crazy to think about.


but everything about him makes him worth it to me. he treats me better than anyone else, pretty much and that means a lot. man, i’ve been through hell just to get to this point, and we’ve come too far to turn back now.


considering most of my friends never hang out with me anymore, it’s nice when he’s around just to talk to or party with or watch a movie or do absolutely nothing with. In fact, he’s one of the few people that I can say nothing to yet we’re still connected, like we’re still communicating during silence. only my best friend and very few other friends have I felt that with.


truthfully, i’m experiencing things that i never did with other people i’ve dated. it’s fun and scary all the same time. but I wouldn’t have it any other way. oh god, this all sounds so corny. Oh well, maybe for once I deserve this. Actually, I NEED THIS. We both do.


That’s finally okay to admit :)

lost without my tunes

i'd be useless without music. listening to certain songs has gotten me through the roughest days in my life. It's helped me heal a broken heart, and express every emotion I've ever had. It's like the artist is singing exactly what I'm feeling, and it sometimes brings me to tears or makes my heart swell. Lyrics and instruments are very powerful things. I've had songs help me make decisions, and I've had them make me stay angry at people I shouldn't be with. Songs always express my happiness and how being in love feels. Basically, everything you could ever think and feel has been put into a song. I think that's beautiful and amazing, because it tells you that you're not alone. Music and God have saved my soul, seriously and I'm not ashamed to tell people that. Other people will let you down and get you down, but not your favorite bands and artists. You can always listen to their new songs and replay their old ones constantly. When words fail you, music speaks for you <3

just another update.

I'm actually kind of excited to head back to school, because it keeps me busy. Plus, Jacob will be home soon. I've really missed him, and absence really does make the heart grow fonder. In not getting on other websites or texting people, I've had less drama and found out who cares the most about me. I have really good friends and family. My parents each took me to dinner, so that was nice. Today is Saint Patrick's day and I've just been cleaning. I had two really weird dreams last night, but I learned a lot from them. In the first one, I learned that when you hurt someone, it also hurts the ones who care about them to see them in that much pain. In the second dream, I learned that people will always try to put you down so that they can make themselves look and feel better. You don't have to put with it. Those were good lessons for me to learn, maybe dreams really do mean something once we analyze them. I guess I just always look for answers even when there are none. Plus, in the end being in love is worth it even though it's scary. Jacob has me wrapped around his finger, and makes me really happy. I'd rather just have him than everyone else giving me crap. At least there's still a few real, people with hearts. They're just few and far between. Lucky me, because I keep finding amazing people that I couldn't go a day without <3

why?

why do people hate on someone they barely know or don't know at all? I'll never understand it, but at least I'm not a hater. The important part is that I'm confident in myself, and I won't let other people get me down. I have to time or energy to listen to negativity. What a waste of time! All I need in my life is good people and good times, and I already have both. I've been teased so many times that it really doesn't affect me anymore. I still have people that love me for who I am and that's what counts. Plus, I'm finally at a point where I like myself and I like my life. I won't let anyone ruin that for anything. So if you have someone hating on you, or someone that keeps trying to bring you down, just ignore them. It takes less energy to stick a middle finger up than to stoop to their level.

tired..

I'm so sick of people bringing unwanted drama into my life, especially anonymous haters that have no room to talk. That's why I'm going to be on the internet less, although I'll still update this blog sometimes. I don't think a lot of people read this anyway. Either way, I need a break for my mental health. I've said it a lot, but it's really time I take action. I wish I could just move to somewhere prettier, somewhere better, at least somewhere more liberal. I could feel free, do whatever I wanted. But I can't do that right now with no money. That's life I guess. I can't wait 'til my boyfriend gets home from New York Saturday, at least that's a huge positive. I'll let you know how that ends up going. We're still doing pretty good. I'm loving that the rain stopped. All the clouds can get really depressing sometimes. Life is just hard in general. I figure the benefits are greater than the hardships, though. I'm thankful that I'm so blessed.

Jacob

When I'm with you, I act different. In a good way. I smile more and laugh more. I don't have to pretend everything is okay when it's really not. With you, I can drop the fake smile and put on a real one. I don't feel hurt and alone when I'm with you. Instead, I feel safe and loved. You're easy to talk to, and you listen to me. I don't have to worry about holding back with you. I don't feel self conscious. I don't ever feel insecure or sad. You show me that you really do care, and you're not just pretending. I really appreciate your company, because with you I'm different. With you, I'm happy.

reason.

i know there's a reason for everything. I feel it in my heart and bones. the pain of the past has finally subsided, and I can be at rest and peace. I've wanted to be here for years. I scare can take it in. I got so used to losing, I never thought I'd win. I spent hours wondering, if things would ever change. When really it was held inside everything I needed. Now I feel I have the answers, because I found the questions. I know where I want to go in life, and I'm proud of it. Now I just need to stick to the plan. Luckily I have a great support system, and a loving man. I want this to last so bad, I really do I couldn't stand getting hurt again. But I'm just trusting in my heart this time instead of listening to everyone else. Something I should have learned to do better a long time ago. I guess better late than never to grasp all this. I don't need a lot more people, most just let me down anyway. I'm content with the few good people I have left. And life always has a way of working itself out. So whatever happens, I'll accept and still love my life and the people in it.

distractions..

just trying to distract my mind for a while.
i hate being in this apartment alone and sleeping alone it's depressing.
but i know he'll be back soon, and so I'm just happy I have have fun.
It's nice to finally have life on track. It hasn't been easy and we've gone through hell the past year
but also we love each other and can make it through obstacles. Each of us is determined
to care for the people, and that's what is keeping us going.
I finally read my bible tonight, and it felt nice.
Sometimes I really wish I was more spiritual.
I wish I felt more good, more pure but I am only human.
However, I am nice most of the time. With the way people treat me sometimes though, it's rough.
All i can say is I'm a work in progress.
That's okay with me, because one day the final masterpiece will shine through.
and I'll have one person to thank for that: you.

it's just too bad these boys want what they can't have :)




i appreciate the flattery, but nothing will happen. for once i'm super happy, and nothing will change that. not letting anything screw my relationship up/