hello again

haven't written in forever. jacob and I are almost at our 3 and a half year mark I'm so excited that I hope we get married soon! Also i'm going back to church just a few blocks away so that's good.

just venting.

i've been frustrated lately, because I feel my parents are forgetting me. They don't really give me any money, and I know they help my sister at least a little. Not only that, but she just got an i phone and I'm stuck with a phone that's years old. It's like, I understand she has a job and pays for the majority of things, but it feels like she has so much more than me, like she's doing better in life. Anyway, I offered to pay for the phone and the first months' worth of extra data, and my dad still refused and got mad. It would save him money in the end, so wtf? I guess I feel stuck in a few different ways. On the bright side, school is over, the boyfriend and I stopped fighting, and my mom will be home soon. Maybe things will look up. I just wish my dad would see my side of things more. At least my boyfriend listens and tries to. I can't be mad at my sister, but I'm still pretty jealous of her. I never realized how toxic anger and jealousy are and now. I need to somehow breathe and forget all the family drama, and just be happy living with my man still. Or just pay for own stuff so my dad can't complain. Literally, my parents barely pay for groceries and little things anymore, so I don't ask for much. Ugh now I'm getting upset again writing about it lol. But it's nice to get it out. This summer should still turn out to be good, except my boyfriend will be gone. Friends, please come to my rescue haha.

dear mom.

hey mom-

how are things in the Philippines? I just wanted you to know I miss you. Um things are okay here, I'm just at Jacob's classmates' house because they're completing a
project for theater. Tomorrow I have to write papers, well they are due Tuesday. Then I can catch up in Math and stuff as well. I should still have decent grades. Anyway I was
thinking about you and wanted to say I love you. Gosh you're on the other side of the world. Camille got a cool new tattoo. I can't wait until Kenzie comes home. I know I'm just
rambling as usual, but it's making me feel better because I worry about you too even though I'm the kid. I guess i should have told you that a long time ago. Well, take care mom and I hope
to see you before I know it.

all my love from back home,
Brooke

first step.

on April 5, 2011 I decided that I'm really going to try not to smoke or drink. I just want to get healthier and have a clearer head. so far it's going really well, and I'm feeling happier and better mentally and physically. I'm realizing that I can get rid of negative feelings without resorting to what I used to do. I know it's going to be really hard, but I also know that I'm super strong. This is something I really want so I'm making it happen one day at a time. I know i'll thank myself for it later. Thanks to everyone that's helping me along the way. Periodically I'll be updating on my progress. So far, so good it's progress. Loving this new lifestyle. It beats the old one for a few reasons. I love experiencing beauty in the most real way possible: not distorted whatsoever by any substances. Take care all.

so damn beautiful.

Oh man, I'm so glad he's back. Life has been a ton better! He has no idea how much i love him. how much i want him. how much i think about him. how i want to be with forever, get married, have kids. I used to think I'd never find a love like this. But he makes me feel whole, safe, protected, and sublimely happy. No one, not even any of my ex's, have done that like he can. He's the best thing to ever come into my life. I'm the luckiest girl ever just to have him around. I'm so in love. Nothing else matters really, except keeping him in my life. He's really my everything, and he has no idea. I can't believe we've been dating over a year and two months. It's been the best year of my life :)

my best friend aka Katherine Waudby

rambling.

i hope he knows how much I’m missing him.


he’s so far away, but at least he’ll be back tomorrow :)


after dating someone for a year, i guess you get more attached than you think you would. damn, that’s crazy to think about.


but everything about him makes him worth it to me. he treats me better than anyone else, pretty much and that means a lot. man, i’ve been through hell just to get to this point, and we’ve come too far to turn back now.


considering most of my friends never hang out with me anymore, it’s nice when he’s around just to talk to or party with or watch a movie or do absolutely nothing with. In fact, he’s one of the few people that I can say nothing to yet we’re still connected, like we’re still communicating during silence. only my best friend and very few other friends have I felt that with.


truthfully, i’m experiencing things that i never did with other people i’ve dated. it’s fun and scary all the same time. but I wouldn’t have it any other way. oh god, this all sounds so corny. Oh well, maybe for once I deserve this. Actually, I NEED THIS. We both do.


That’s finally okay to admit :)

lost without my tunes

i'd be useless without music. listening to certain songs has gotten me through the roughest days in my life. It's helped me heal a broken heart, and express every emotion I've ever had. It's like the artist is singing exactly what I'm feeling, and it sometimes brings me to tears or makes my heart swell. Lyrics and instruments are very powerful things. I've had songs help me make decisions, and I've had them make me stay angry at people I shouldn't be with. Songs always express my happiness and how being in love feels. Basically, everything you could ever think and feel has been put into a song. I think that's beautiful and amazing, because it tells you that you're not alone. Music and God have saved my soul, seriously and I'm not ashamed to tell people that. Other people will let you down and get you down, but not your favorite bands and artists. You can always listen to their new songs and replay their old ones constantly. When words fail you, music speaks for you <3

just another update.

I'm actually kind of excited to head back to school, because it keeps me busy. Plus, Jacob will be home soon. I've really missed him, and absence really does make the heart grow fonder. In not getting on other websites or texting people, I've had less drama and found out who cares the most about me. I have really good friends and family. My parents each took me to dinner, so that was nice. Today is Saint Patrick's day and I've just been cleaning. I had two really weird dreams last night, but I learned a lot from them. In the first one, I learned that when you hurt someone, it also hurts the ones who care about them to see them in that much pain. In the second dream, I learned that people will always try to put you down so that they can make themselves look and feel better. You don't have to put with it. Those were good lessons for me to learn, maybe dreams really do mean something once we analyze them. I guess I just always look for answers even when there are none. Plus, in the end being in love is worth it even though it's scary. Jacob has me wrapped around his finger, and makes me really happy. I'd rather just have him than everyone else giving me crap. At least there's still a few real, people with hearts. They're just few and far between. Lucky me, because I keep finding amazing people that I couldn't go a day without <3

why?

why do people hate on someone they barely know or don't know at all? I'll never understand it, but at least I'm not a hater. The important part is that I'm confident in myself, and I won't let other people get me down. I have to time or energy to listen to negativity. What a waste of time! All I need in my life is good people and good times, and I already have both. I've been teased so many times that it really doesn't affect me anymore. I still have people that love me for who I am and that's what counts. Plus, I'm finally at a point where I like myself and I like my life. I won't let anyone ruin that for anything. So if you have someone hating on you, or someone that keeps trying to bring you down, just ignore them. It takes less energy to stick a middle finger up than to stoop to their level.

tired..

I'm so sick of people bringing unwanted drama into my life, especially anonymous haters that have no room to talk. That's why I'm going to be on the internet less, although I'll still update this blog sometimes. I don't think a lot of people read this anyway. Either way, I need a break for my mental health. I've said it a lot, but it's really time I take action. I wish I could just move to somewhere prettier, somewhere better, at least somewhere more liberal. I could feel free, do whatever I wanted. But I can't do that right now with no money. That's life I guess. I can't wait 'til my boyfriend gets home from New York Saturday, at least that's a huge positive. I'll let you know how that ends up going. We're still doing pretty good. I'm loving that the rain stopped. All the clouds can get really depressing sometimes. Life is just hard in general. I figure the benefits are greater than the hardships, though. I'm thankful that I'm so blessed.

Jacob

When I'm with you, I act different. In a good way. I smile more and laugh more. I don't have to pretend everything is okay when it's really not. With you, I can drop the fake smile and put on a real one. I don't feel hurt and alone when I'm with you. Instead, I feel safe and loved. You're easy to talk to, and you listen to me. I don't have to worry about holding back with you. I don't feel self conscious. I don't ever feel insecure or sad. You show me that you really do care, and you're not just pretending. I really appreciate your company, because with you I'm different. With you, I'm happy.

reason.

i know there's a reason for everything. I feel it in my heart and bones. the pain of the past has finally subsided, and I can be at rest and peace. I've wanted to be here for years. I scare can take it in. I got so used to losing, I never thought I'd win. I spent hours wondering, if things would ever change. When really it was held inside everything I needed. Now I feel I have the answers, because I found the questions. I know where I want to go in life, and I'm proud of it. Now I just need to stick to the plan. Luckily I have a great support system, and a loving man. I want this to last so bad, I really do I couldn't stand getting hurt again. But I'm just trusting in my heart this time instead of listening to everyone else. Something I should have learned to do better a long time ago. I guess better late than never to grasp all this. I don't need a lot more people, most just let me down anyway. I'm content with the few good people I have left. And life always has a way of working itself out. So whatever happens, I'll accept and still love my life and the people in it.

distractions..

just trying to distract my mind for a while.
i hate being in this apartment alone and sleeping alone it's depressing.
but i know he'll be back soon, and so I'm just happy I have have fun.
It's nice to finally have life on track. It hasn't been easy and we've gone through hell the past year
but also we love each other and can make it through obstacles. Each of us is determined
to care for the people, and that's what is keeping us going.
I finally read my bible tonight, and it felt nice.
Sometimes I really wish I was more spiritual.
I wish I felt more good, more pure but I am only human.
However, I am nice most of the time. With the way people treat me sometimes though, it's rough.
All i can say is I'm a work in progress.
That's okay with me, because one day the final masterpiece will shine through.
and I'll have one person to thank for that: you.

it's just too bad these boys want what they can't have :)




i appreciate the flattery, but nothing will happen. for once i'm super happy, and nothing will change that. not letting anything screw my relationship up/

keeping it real.

girl power all my women stay confident and strong! always amazed at how much we go through, yet still come out on top. we're fighters!


i'm actually glad I'm a woman because of this. I have been blessed with wisdom and good traits from my own mother.
I can only hope to be like her when I'm older. In fact, I envision myself being almost exactly like her.
used to think that'd be insane or a bad thing, but I'm now I'm very honored and proud to have things in common with her.
I guess I just come from a long line of strong people.

it's taken me so long to do this.

well, this is very hard to speak about. i never really talk about it and i've never really written about it either.

you may not know this, but i still remember the day you told me you and mom were splitting up.

With tears streaming down my face, I said "No, dad." Yet I was smart enough to know that the decision

was already made. My life has not been the same since. I'm lucky though, because both of my parents are still loving and supportive of me. In the beginning, I viewed it as my fault. What did I do wrong? Why did this have to happen to my family, and how can I change it back? Now that I'm older, I just knew that they both wanted something different, and that would have to be okay. I suppose now it is, even though it still hurts me as their kid. I never realized how much it does affect me until recently. Hence why I'm venting about it all now. Then tonight I pondered whether my reckless behavior and outbursts as a teenager were due to trying to keep attention from my parents. Maybe it was, or maybe I was just seeking an outside source to listen to me about it. I found that source in one person for a while, until I realized he wasn't the right one. I tried again with a number of other guys, but it always one excuse or the other. Then just over a year ago, something changed. Someone different and special came into my life, and that's actually changed me for the better finally. In the last few years, I figured out things I should have known a while ago. I was looking for love and friendship with the wrong people, when the right ones were right under my nose. I was preoccupied with just wanting to have fun, or wanting to mask my real feelings by doing anything but letting them out. Not only did my immaturity hurt me, but in having my priorities messed up until that three years ago, I hurt some people and I'm sorry for that. I'm glad I'm not the person I was. I'm an honest, loyal, mature person now. Not the naive, say-or-do anything to try to get the crowd to like me person I was faking to be. I lost a lot of things that meant the entire world to me. My brother, my grandparents, and the list goes on. Sometimes just getting through the day seems like a struggle. What makes it worth it is knowing that I've already made it through hell. It just took getting my heart stomped on multiple times to realize I didn't have to take it, and I could be the decider of my own fate. And now I am. Yet with adult decisions comes adult responsibility, and that's not easy either. I'm sure of this: I'm not alone. If someone would have told my future and listed all the things that would happen, I'd tell them they were crazy. I'm not exactly proud of some of the things I did in the past. However, I'm trying to keep letting myself grow as a person in a healthy way. I just wanna be more selfless than selfish. That's easier said that done, though. Plus, I'm way too nice and people take that for granted. Life is like a series of twists and turns and curve balls, and I'm just trying to stick to the path. In all that time I was looking for other people to provide my happiness, when it was within myself. I still have issues and bad days. At times, I still feel like a wreck. I cry, I break down I can't lie. When you feel what I've felt and dealt with the things I've dealt with, you'd say the same. None of this is really my parent's fault. My actions are my own. That was just the start of...a crossroads for me, and their were valleys in between. Now I'm finally able to look book and reflect, and it's hard. I guess sometimes we all want what we can never have. All I can do is keep focusing on the good things. I gotta say though, I knew the divorce was coming but it didn't make it easier. And it still stings now, I've just gotten used to it. There are certain realities that you can't deny, and them staying apart is one of them. We're still a family. I'm still me. It's confusing, because nothing has been the same. Yet it's lovely because my parents love for me hasn't changed. I guess in a way, it all brought me to where I am today, which is with someone I love that makes me happy. I'm not perfect, I'm a little insecure. Isn't everyone, though? Some of it was all my fault, other parts were out of my control. But I can't dwell on it, I can only accept what is, and be happy in the present time. Which for the first time in a long time, I can say I am. No thanks to certain people who stabbed me in the back. But karma has repaid them, and so I hold no grudge. I only want truth and peace, which through writing all of this down FINALLY AFTER YEARS, and opening myself up I have achieved.

never again.

people aren’t going to get me down.

my life is something I’ve turned around.

positive energy, positive vibes and no more getting used and abused.

This is my time to show them I’m more than they ever thought.

I deserve the good things in life, and I will get them because I’ll work towards them.

along the way i’ve chosen the wrong things, the wrong people.

now i know the right path and the people who won’t leave.

this map in my head is being drawn to lead me to the most beautiful place.

not sure where it is or when I’ll arrive there, but I know it’s coming.

my efforts won’t be all for nothing.

and for everyone who doubted me, you’ll be sorry.

my mission.

God doesn't make mistakes, and so I know I'm alive for a reason. I've concluded that my purpose is to be kind to others. simple but it can save a life

it's whatever.

you're either with or against me. but I know one thing you don't want me as an enemy. it's their loss if they don't wanna give me a chance...

far beyond the stars.

i feel limitless, even though I still have my limits.

you make me feel like I could do anything.

love the fact that you love me for me.

i don't have to filter myself, and I don't have to worry what you think.

heaven on earth is the closest concept I can describe.

finally complete and not lonely, or worried about you leaving.

it's been a beautiful year with you, and I hope for many more.

we're going to reach far beyond the stars.

because your love is out of this world.

secure, happy, and at peace and having fun.

and it's only just begun.

but after all of that...

after everything that people have done to me, they probably think I hate them.

I won't list names, but most of them were guys I thought were nice.

My point is, I don't hate anyone. Even the two that screwed me over the most.

I don't wish pain or death or unhappiness on anyone, because we all just want love.

And in a way, everyone has a right to pursue and deserve that kind of thing.

Sure, I might not want a relationship with these people again.

I don't even have a friendship with them really anymore.

But I'm to the point where I wouldn't want to burn or hurt them in any way.

that's what they did to me, and it would just be a viscious cycle, right?

so the bigger one is the person who won't retaliate, who isn't all about revenge.

but the one who can honestly say, "In the end, I hope you're happy."

that takes more gut than an eff you.

time for

building up my walls just to discover who cares enough to tear 'em down ♥ maybe I'll get some needed answers...goodnight all

valentine's day

today is good. He got me a stuffed animal and card, and we're going to dinner. At least he does more for me than anyone I've ever dated. I'm so happy to be with him. I got him a game, a movie, body gel, shaving cream, and candy. I think he liked it :) My mom is going to get us a gift card for a dinner her treat, so that will be lovely too. Besides everyone else's complaints and constant bitching, I feel good and have nothing more to say. The other night I was very stressed about school, but I've made progress. All I can really do is roll with the punches good or bad, and not care what others say so much. I'm down for that.

just happy :)

i just want to keep things as they are right now.
i'm having fun, i'm in love, and we have our own place.
this year should be good thanks to my boy!
I had to go through hell to get this point, though.
right now, things are better than they have been in years.
and i'm so thankful for the good people i have in my life.
sure i still have my moments and get angry, or sad, or anxious.
but doesn't everyone?  i just quit being so negative all the time.
good thing too, because it's made a huge difference.
and now I know I don't have to afraid, I can just put a positive spin on things and thing them through logically.
anyway, more later.

time stops for no one

so treasure today like it's your last.

and let go of the past so the future can come in.

have the mindset of a person who can win.

make the most of your time this world, because you never know

when your time to leave it is.

laugh too much, have fun, and never forget the good times.

it all works  out in the end, and i'm just speaking honestly as a friend.

live in the moment, appreciate the present.

and then you'll no regrets or fear.

then you can pass away happily when it's your last year.